Growing Pains (a short play)

GROWING PAINS

A One Act Play by Caroline Fourmy

Cast of Characters

MOM: a young woman pregnant with her first child

DAD: a slightly older man married to the woman

BABY: a person speaking as the baby in the womb, male or female

Place

Anywhere USA. In a home. At a kitchen table.

Time

Modern era. Evening.

At rise: MOM and DAD are finishing a meal. BABY is under the table but visible.

MOM

Are we ready? You think?

DAD

(Takes a pained pause. Looks at his pregnant wife. Finally.)

Yes.

MOM

Yes?

DAD

Yes!

MOM

Yes!

BOTH

Yes.

(They kiss.)

BABY

Noooooo!

(MOM and DAD start clearing away dishes, humming a song together and smiling. Continues under BABY’s speech.)

BABY

I’m not ready!

I’m not ready.

You hear me? It’s cold out there!

It’s too loud and bright and scary.

I’m about to be totally helpless at the hands of two people I don’t even know. I have to learn everything all over again. New body, new culture, new relationships, new hair-do. Puberty! Again! Loss and heartache and survival. Feeling alone. Again. Losing. Again! Last go-around did not end well. I don’t want to do it all again. It’s much safer in here. It all ends in death anyway. It’s not fair!

(BABY kicks the table.)

MOM

Oh- ho! Little one is kicking!

(MOM goes to DAD and lovingly puts his hand on her belly.)

DAD

Awww. Strong kicks! Strong boy.

MOM

Or girl! We don’t know yet.

DAD

Or girl.

MOM

Will you be disappointed if it’s a girl?

DAD

No! Of course not.

(MOM looks at him. That look.)

DAD

Ok, maybe a little.

I’ve always imagined teaching my kid to play football and to go fishing and Cub Scouts! I loved Cub Scouts!

MOM

It could be Brownie Scouts instead. And girls can learn to fish. I don’t know about football, but it could be softball or basketball…or soccer!

DAD

Soccer. Hmm. I could deal with soccer. I don’t know about Brownie Scouts.

MOM

They sell Girl Scout cookies.

DAD

I’m in.

MOM

Ha!

(MOM kisses DAD and goes back to cleaning up. DAD picks up a fruit from the bowl on the table and starts tossing it around.)

BABY

I mean it’s a pretty cruel trick to have to keep going like this, right? Who’s idea was this anyway? Not mine! I’ll just stay in here forever. That’s it. I get free rent, it’s nice and warm. There’s food! And I’m never alone.

(BABY leans back and puts feet on the underside of the table. Moves around.)

MOM

Oo! You are really moving around in there.

DAD

Do you think the baby hears you?

MOM

Maybe? I don’t know. They say they can hear us in the third trimester. I like to think she can. I talk to her all the time.

DAD

What do you tell her? OR HIM!

MOM

Or him. I tell them that I love them. That I can’t wait to meet them. That it’s all going to be ok. To keep growing in there. That there’s so much I can’t wait to show them. That life is pretty wonderful.

DAD

Yeah?

MOM

Yeah. What would you tell them if you knew they could hear you?

BABY

It is pretty cramped in here, though.

(BABY keeps moving, testing the limits of the space.)

DAD

Mmm. Good question.

BABY

Not enough room for dancing. I did like that part.

DAD

I’d tell him- them - that they don’t have to be perfect. And that I’m not perfect. But if they’re game, I’m gonna do everything I can to make their experience here a good one. And I’m gonna love the shit out of them.

BABY

Or music! That was always good.

MOM

That’s pretty wonderful, baby.

BABY

Or color. Hmm. Color.

MOM

That right there might be why I married you.

DAD

Really?

MOM

Yeah. That and your stunning good looks.